How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
My dad died when we couldn’t remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
I gave up my seat to a blind person in the bus. That is how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? “Are you sure it’s mine?”
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up? Shine a flashlight in their ear.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? Because she threw out all the bent ones.
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? Artificial intelligence.
Makeup tip: You’re not in the circus.
I must have a nice butt, because, everytime I’m walking away from talking to someone they say “What an ass?”
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
If i had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.